I don’t know whether to do my paper or pack up my shit.
or tumblr…reblogged from baconspice
When Will It Stop?
For the past week I haven’t been able to focus on any work. About 90% of the time I’m awake I’m depressed to the point that when the smallest thing goes wrong my first thought is that I should kill myself. I’ve thought of ways to make it easy, to make it look like an accident, to make sure I succeed, and to give me the possibility of making it. I don’t have anyone I can tell because I don’t want to go back to the hospital, I don’t want to worry my family, and I don’t want my “friends” to think I’m just looking for attention.
Taking my anti-anxieties helps a little, but they just make me want to sleep. And as the hyper-productive person that I am, I can’t just sleep this off. I have shit to do and every unproductive day I have wanting to die the more people I am letting down, including myself, which is just making it harder to pull myself out of this hole.
I just want to be happy. I know I have such a good life and loving family. And I know my boyfriend and family would all be devastated if something were to happen to me, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve come closer to acting on it than I have in 4 years. I just want it to stop and I’m ready to do anything to make that happen.